Brown, Dense And Stinky Magic Straight From Black Marsh
by Kream45
Summary: A new Argonian student joins the College in Winterhold. He teaches Tolfdir and his students about the magic school of feces. They want to develop a master level spell that could end wars and make Tamriel a peaceful place, but the plan takes a wrong turn and a catastrophy happens.


**/Warning: This is probably the most fucked up story ever written. Not just by me, not just on this website. One of the following may happen to you:**

 **\- major mindfuck**

 **\- weirdest boner**

 **\- significant IQ loss**

 **\- ass cancer**

 **\- slow death by laughter**

 **PS: Sorry for the inverted quotation marks, Word was fucking with me./**

Savos Aren and Mirabelle Ervine went out of the College.

„Savos, why are we even going to Winterhold?" Mirabelle asked.

„Well, they serve a good semen pie at the local inn." He responded, „I also wanted to tell everyone for the milionth time that the College is not responsible for the destruction of Winterhold."

„Why are you telling them this? It actually IS your fault, when you were drunk and wanted to impress some whores with your magic and something went wrong."

„I'm telling them this because I'm a cheeky bastard."

„Kappa."

They met Faralda at the gate, talking to some dude.

„Oh it's you!" She said, „Can you help me with this guy?"

There was an Argonian guy standing at the entrance.

„What's the problem?" Mirabelle asked, „If his magic is good enough then let him in, it it's not then tell him to get the fuck out."

„The problem is that he's talking bullshit about some new school of magic."

Savos looked at the Argonian.

„Approach us, young man, and we shall talk to you."

The guy stepped forward.

„What is your name?"

„My name is John Cena and I'm here to teach you guys about a brand new school of magic that I've learned."

„That's a very lore-friendly name, John." Mirabelle stated, „You've come a long way from Black March. Was our College your first choice?"

„No, I actually wanted to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but they didn't send me a fucking owl with a letter, so I'm stuck in this shitty place now."

„And what is that school of magic you want to teach us?" Savos asked.

„It's the ancient magic school of shit. You must have read about it from your books."

„We actually don't read those books." Savos admitted, „We just collect them and sell them on ebay."

„And what does this shit magic do?" Mirabelle asked.

„You literally cast shit balls at your enemies."

„Wow, what else?"

„You can cover yourself in dried shit, raising your defence. Oh, and you can place a shit rune trap on the floor. If anybody triggers it, it explodes with shit, dealing high burst damage."

Savos and Mirabelle were listening, very fascinated.

Faralda was embarassed.

„Come on, why are we still talking to this man?" she said, „This shit magic is some kind of a fucking joke!"

Savos then calmed her down.

„Here in the College in Winterhold, we use every school of magic. "He said, very curious about this shit magic, „I can see the potential in this magic."

„True, true." Mirabelle added, „So far it sounds very interesting."

Faralda couldn't believe what she was hearing.

„Well then..." she sighed, „Tell us more of this shit magic of yours."

„Well, you can summon a big ball of shit and throw it. You can also summon a medium-sized shit. And a small shit..."

„So that means you can summon any shit you wish, right?" Savos asked.

„Yes."

„It sounds pretty convenient. Tell us more."

„You can also cast a special shitball that shatters on impact and deals area damage."

Mirabelle then asked him:

„Hey, but can you summon a shit Atronach?"

„Yes. Its supposed to throw big exploding shits, but it mainly throws small, normal shitballs. I didn't master it yet."

„Don't worry, we can work on that." Savos said.

„So... can I enter the College?"

„I think I've heard enough." Savos said, „You can enter our College, but only if you cast a shit spell now. The most basic one should do it."

John concentrated and aimed at some guard in the town. He then casted a small shitball, which hit the guard in his head.

„HA!" Savos laughed, „That's what I call a headshot!"

„This is incredible!" Mirabelle yelled, „You are the true master of shit!"

„I have to admit, I was very sceptical about this magic of yours." Faralda said, „But now I see that it's actually very powerful!"

They entered the College. Mirabelle showed John his quarters and then she sucked his dick. Faralda did, too.

Then he met Brelyna, who also sucked his dick.

And then he met Onmund and J'zargo, who didn't suck his dick, though.

Later, he met other teachers, like Tolfdir and the other guys that nobody gives a fuck about.

Savos told Tolfdir about John's shit magic and he got fascinated.

In the evening, he invited John for a lecture with other students.

„Now, my students, John will introduce us to the basics of the shit school of magic." Tolfdir said, „Don't be shy, John. We all have seen your magic and nobody here will question your power."

„Okay, so to start, you must embrace the shit. Become one with shit."

„Sounds fair enough."Onmund said, „How do we do that?"

„You must take a shit and smear it all over your bodies."

„That's it?"Brelyna asked, „Sounds easy peasy."

„No, that's just the first step."

„But will this make J'zargo a powerful shit mage?" J'zargo asked.

„Yes. At least, you'll be one step closer to becoming one."

„Alright students, let's get it started!" Tolfdir said and everyone took of their pants.

Each of them crouched and started shitting. Savos Aren was watching and doing notes, and Faralda couldn't wait to begin her training later.

Tolfdir and the students took their shits. Then, they grabbed them and smeared them all over themselves.

They were soon all covered in shit.

„Alright, now what do we do?" Tolfdir asked.

„You do it all over again." John answered.

„What?" everyone was confused.

„One time is not enough. You must smear shit into your bodies until you start to feel the shit energy flowing through you."

Tolfdir and students became excited and took another shits. They took several more shits and they were all brown from the shit, but then...

„Hey, I'm starting to feel different..."J'zargo said.

„That's good." John said, „That means you've just finished the first step."

Tolfdir, Brelyna and Onmund have just finished smearing their last shits over themselves and also felt the shit energy.

„Oh, this energy feels so right!" Tolfdir was shocked.

„I'm actually starting to understand the shit!" Onmund said.

„I have experienced the shit!" Brelyna gasped, „I actually felt like a god for a while!"

John smiled. His teachings were effective.

„Now, you all have experienced the blessing of the Shit God. That's why you felt so good. Now, you must enter faze two: your very souls must become one with shit."

„Oh man..." Onmund said, „This sound very difficult..."

„Nope. You just have to eat your own shit."

Tolfdir and the students got very happy. Faze two was easy.

„Not so fast!" John said, „You must eat your shit AND you MUST like its taste!"

Tolfdir and the students took a small bite of their shits and they all spitted it out.

„That's terrible!" Tolfdir said, „How are we supposed to like the taste of our own shits?"

John thought for a while and came up with an idea.

„Try eating it until you like it. Kek."

They were eating shit all night, and only by the morning they got used with the taste of shit and they started to like it.

Their eyes started to glow and their souls have become one with the Shit God.

„Oh damn, it felt even better this time!" J'zargo said, „J'zargo can't believe he achieved such power so fast!"

„Now that I've started to like the taste of my own shit, I feel like everything is possible!" Brelyna said.

„This is so fascinating!" Tolfdir stated, „I can't wait to enter faze three!"

„Oh right, what is faze three?" Onmund asked.

"Faze three is the easiest one." John said. „You must eat someone else's shit. Now that you like the taste of shit, that should not be a problem."

Tolfdir scratched his head.

„Alright, whose shit should I eat?"

„I want to eat Brelyna's shit." Onmund said.

„J'zargo also wants to eat Brelyna's shit."

„Alright then, we will all eat Brelyna's shit then!" Tolfdir decided.

„Hey, why do you all want to eat my shit?" Brelyna was confused.

„Trust me, Brelyna." John said, „I also would eat your shit in their place."

Brelyna took a shit and the rest feasted on it. Then, J'zargo took a shit and Brelyna ate it.

After they finished their shitty breakfast, they all suddenly learned every basic shitspell.

They were so happy that they started to throw shitballs at eachother, like snowballs.

They all went to sleep, because they didn't sleep all night.

They woke up in the evening and Tolfdir shared his idea with the others.

"I've been wondering if we can develop a shit spell that could somehow end all wars and make Tamriel peaceful."

"Personally, I never thought of that." John said, "We can all try to use our magic at once and cast a master shit spell and see what effect it has."

They stood in a circle and grabbed each other's hands. Then, they released their shit magic. The magic was so big that the earth quaked and destroyed Winterhold. Or, what was left of it.

Also, multiple supervolcanos appeared out of nowhere across whole Tamriel, and they exploded with shit. The shit covered the entire planet.

"What the fuck?!" Brelyna screamed, when a giant shit-tsunami came from the Sea of Ghosts and made Skyrim less snowy and more shitty.

"I… I didn't expect it could end like this…" Tolfdir gasped.

"This is all my fault." John cried, "I should have known this could happen. Shit magic is too great, and combining the power of five people is too unpredictable and impossible to control."

J'zargo then realized something.

"J'zargo doesn't think the archmage will be happy…"

"O rly?" Onmund sighed, "I don't think anybody in Tamriel will be happy."

Tolfdir thought for a while and came up with an idea.

"Alright, calm down everybody. I think I've got a solution."

"What is that?" the rest asked him.

"We must get the fuck out of Tamriel before people find out who is responsible for this catastrophy!"

They all agreed and ran away.

It wasn't long before people found out that the College in Winterhold was responsible for all of this. People from Skyrim gathered by the gate and attacked the College.

Savos tried to explain that it was the fault of Tolfdir and his students, but since they were nowhere to be seen, and someone had to pay, Savos ended up being impaled through his anus with a big wooden spike, together with other teachers.

In the meantime, Tolfdir, John and the rest were sailing across the ocean. They found a cute little island, where they built their houses.

Unfortunately, they died of starvation in a couple of weeks, and the shit magic was lost forever.

Soon, everyone in Tamriel died, because of the stinky shit everywhere.

 **THE END**

 _Okay, when I was writing this, I was laughing very hard, but now I'm actually starting to worry about my mentality._


End file.
